WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
