dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
