wrigley field is MILF paradise
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize