twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
