this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
