Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
