She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
