The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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