Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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