Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
God I need to hump something, right now.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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