I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
