My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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