I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
