He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
