Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
