I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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