I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
