i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
