He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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