You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
