theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize