Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
