Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
