Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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