I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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