There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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