Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
