Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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