I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
