So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize