I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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