It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
