Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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