I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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