considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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