My cat gives me a boner
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
