i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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