i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
should my penis look like a turkey
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
