Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
