You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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