I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
