She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
