apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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