Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
