in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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