Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
