I'm so fucking centered right now
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize