god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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