paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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