Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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