Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
