Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
