I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize