having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
