exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
