what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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