I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
