i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
