I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
