I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
