is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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