I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
