she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize