I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
