Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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