I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
