I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
